I’m Sorry I’m a Christian

For those one or two readers who are not friends with me on Facebook, or who missed this first time around:

I’m not clever enough to work out how to add the actual video here, but please follow this link for the rest of this post to make sense.

A friend, responded with this:

“That’s powerful stuff. Challenging but quite negative. Does it describe how you feel about Christians you know?”

This was my response:

I posted it because a lot of people I’ve spoken to see Christians in this way, so I think it’s healthy for Christians and non-Christians to hear something like this. This is the reality of the context that we’re witnessing into – when I say “I am a Christian” these are the assumptions that people may make about me. Though this is more about the people with the loudest voices or the biggest placards than individual Christians I might know personally, I do think it’s important to acknowledge that these are things that sincere and often genuine Christians have done, and I think there’s a place for saying sorry for being part of the same body that has done these things. Not for the sake of being negative, but to have some authenticity about our failures and hypocrisy and to point out, as the poet does, that this was not how Jesus conducted himself. I long for people to associate the word Christian with Jesus’ radical indiscriminate love and compassionately spoken truth but the tragic reality is that many people don’t. I am a part of the reason for this too.

Some Lessons I’ve Learned Lately about Love

A friend told me this story about himself.

He had just started at Bible college and after the first lecture he went up to his professor and said “This book tells me I’m going to hell because I’m gay. Tell me why.”

There are 101 things his professor could have said to him. A professor of theology might have turned to several passages in the Bible, and begun some kind of exegesis. What he said was this:

“This book tells you that God loves you.”

That was all that he said. He didn’t add anything to that, or explain it, or give a caveat or a reference or anything else. He didn’t need to because his sermon was completely self-contained and accurate. My friend was blown away by this and completely transformed – it hit him right between the eyes that he would always have this bottom line: God loved him. No ifs, no buts, no ands. God loves him.

So my friend’s professor taught me a wonderful, simple lesson about love.

The Bible college was a residential one and my friend had to share a room, like many other students. He was sharing with a young man who thought he knew a lot about a lot of things. Reader, you may have met one or two young men like him. The room mate shared a lot of opinions about homosexuality that hurt my friend, for example that it he would never let a child of his go to a Sunday school class that my friend was teaching, because my friend was not safe to be in contact with children.

When I hear people say things like this, my reaction is to first get very angry and then to write them off. I define that person as ignorant and hateful and resolve to no longer be in contact with them. But my friend is different to me because he had learned a very simple lesson about love that had changed his life. My friend was angry with him and told me that often it was very hard for him not to punch his room mate in the face. I empathised. But, he said, but he also knew that he was loved. And that made it difficult for him to hate. He was so convinced and changed by this heart knowledge of his status as an unconditionally loved person, that his instinct to love this person was stronger than his instinct to hate him. Not because he thought he ought to love him as ‘the right thing to do’ but because his knowledge that he was loved compelled him to love this guy, and to keep coming back to this point again and again, even though he was hurt by him again and again.

I was bowled over by this.

It highlighted a couple of important things for me. The first is that although I completely agree with my friend’s professor, I think I don’t really believe it for myself deep down. I understand that I am loved by God and that there is a full stop at the end of that sentence, and no other sentence is needed. But I always like to add my own but, or my own and. God loves me but he also hates me a bit and expects me to do more than I ever possibly can and when I don’t, he hates me a bit. But yes, he loves me. Or God loves me and it’s because I don’t do this thing. Or God loves me and it’s because I am so this and so that. I think the fact that my friend didn’t add his own but or and, is the reason why his life was changed by it and he was able to love his enemy. I think my buts and ands are what makes me withdraw from my enemies and write them off.

So the second thing I realised is that my dogged refusal to accept this unconditional love thing has meant that I’m very bad at loving. Because loving means staying and not running away. I am about to join a new church and I’ve realised that part of the reason I’ve taken so long to choose one is because I don’t want to take the painful risk of committing to love. I have been hurt by a lot of people similar to my friend’s room mate and I have seen a lot of friends hurt by his kind and my instinct is to think that Christians are often not very nice so I’ll withdraw. But I also know that being part of a church means that I am called to love people – that’s sort of the point of it. And some of those people will think they know a lot about a lot of things and will say things and they will hurt me and I want to be someone who stays and loves them. And the reason I want to do that is because it’s sinking in that I am loved and then there is a full stop. And that full stop is starting to make me want to be brave and love others with my own full stop. I think that’s probably a better attitude to join a church with than the one I’ve had of late.

Here is a link that has helped me to soak in the full stop: Everyone everywhere needs to know this.

Another Post On Suffering

At the risk of repeating myself (I’ve gone over similar lines here) allow me to bang a drum I like to reprise every now and again. And allow me to do it again in a couple of posts’ time. Thanks.

Unfortunately for any small group or Bible study I may grace with my presence, I am that irritating token person who always points out the unresolvable, willfully invisible elephant in the passage, just when we all thought we were agreeing pleasantly and coming to the same comfortable conclusions as usual.

On one such occasion the study was on Matthew 7 and I pointed out 2 uncomfortable realities, one of which I will now unpack.

I pointed out that when our Father gives out his gifts, he doesn’t do so equally. He gives much blessing to some, and little blessing to others. To some he gives much suffering, to others much less.

One person’s response was this; “This is true, but when I’ve spoken to people who have suffered, their experience of Jesus has been all the sweeter.”

I gave a silent reply because of my hideous combination of a wildly emotional histrionic drama queen trapped inside the body of a painfully self-conscious, cringingly English woman. One who knew she had already rocked the boat too many times that evening to add an embarrassing, tearful rebuke (plus, well, my period was due, so the whole thing would have been monstrously amplified and very un-Bible-study-ish).

What I wanted to say was this:

How many suffering people have you actually spoken to in real life? Because what you’re saying actually sounds like what you imagine suffering people to say while you are trying to square this difficult circle in your head. Yes, there are wonderful Christian examples like Brother Yun, who are able to count their suffering as a blessing but dare I say it, he is an exceptional man – a true hero of the faith. How many ordinary people with everyday ordinary unequal sufferings have you actually had an authentic conversation with?

Let me give you an example. My own sufferings are very, very small compared to a lot of people. Nevertheless as many readers know, my testimony is mostly not exactly jolly. I was asked for it by someone on the board of a well-known evangelical conference, only to have it returned to me with this feedback – “Thanks for your story. Do you think you could add a sentence or two just mentioning how God made up for what you’ve sacrificed in other ways?”.

My answer was that no, I was not going to bolt on a contrived happy ending. My story is my story and actually, God has not ‘made up for it’. There isn’t an automatic equilibrium in my life – or anyone else’s – which means that bad stuff is always weighed up somewhere with good so it all comes out equal and fair in the end.

Life is not fair people!

Life is not equal!

Even, *gasp* for Christians!

It may well be that my friend had spoken to a lot of suffering Christians and that they gave in to the pressure to give a happy ending and added an experience that was not really felt. Going back to the previous example of Habakkuk in my last rant about this (see the link at the start), sometimes, there really are NO FIGS! Sometimes we don’t get peaches to make up for the lack of figs! The right Christian response, as in this passage, is to trust God anyway. To trust that there will be figs and peaches overflowing when we die, yes, but that in this life, some get crops of figs, some get none.

Sometimes that lack of figs creates a ‘Heavenly Man’ type of Christian. Sometimes it creates an OddBabble type of Christian who is far less heroic in response to her far, far, far lesser sufferings, who actually has a pretty impoverished faith in response, which actually a lot of the time is holding on by a thread, and a lot of the time, the One holding on to the thread is not her.

I am not wishing for fewer Heavenly Men, or for less joy in suffering or for less discipline in blessing-counting. God knows these are all things I desperately need to learn from in my life. I know that part of my response here comes from a gross lack of godliness and I’m not boasting in that.

All I wish for is a bit of honesty and authenticity. Sometimes (often, in my experience) the best response to someone’ssuffering is not to look for the silver lining, or to make one up when there isn’t one, but actually just to weep and grieve with them while they are in their cloud and give them the balm of acknowledging that being in a black cloud just feels shit right now.

Amen, Elaine

“Deeply satisfying human intimacy, whether in marraige or outside, is in the end not dependent on copulation but on a faithful sharing of our hearts and lives with those whom we love, and a longing for their well being and peace. For it is then that God can be God and love be a gift.”

Elaine Storkey in The Search For Intimacy

Jesus: Gay Icon?

I was reading an article in the paper entitled ‘What Makes A Gay Icon?’ with the tag line “Talent? Non-conformity? A touch of angst? And do they even have to be gay…?”

Lord Alli (whoever he is) chose Diana, Princess of Wales as his gay icon, for the following reasons: “Princess Diana continues to live on as an icon in many different ways: fashion icon, charity icon, feminist icon, British icon. Her place as a gay icon however, was cemented by a single moment during a visit to a Chain of Hope centre in April 1987. Taking the hand of an Aids sufferer, she shattered the widely held belief that physical contact alone could lead to the contraction of Aids, and offered hope and comfort to those in the gay community infected with HIV.”

Does this remind you of anyone?

“A man with leprosy came and knelt before [Jesus] and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said.
Matthew 8:2-3

It strikes me that just as Jesus was prepared to touch the ‘untouchables’ then, he would be doing the same if he came today. He’d be openly touching and loving AIDS sufferers, which according to Lord Alli, would make him a gay icon.

I don’t think Jesus would spend much energy removing that label from himself, because he was well used to being associated with those whose names were used as swear words. “You Samaritan” was perhaps the equivalent of “you queer!” or “that is so gay”. I feel sure that if Jesus were around on earth today, he would be hanging around with homosexual people, not caring what it made people assume about him, and pissing off a lot of today’s ‘religious’ people, just as he pissed off the pharisees back then.

“While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”
Matthew 9:10-11

One reason why I’m writing on this topic today, is in solidarity with the Bridging the Gap blog (that I’ve mentioned before here). Today they are doing a thing called synchroblog, which I don’t really understand technically, but I’ve figured out enough to know that they want lots of people to link relevant posts to their blog today to get people reading and talking about it.

I think what they are doing at Bridging the Gap is really important for the church. They are Christians reaching out to gay people by genuinely listening and loving instead of condemning and ostracising. They hold a conservative view of what the Bible says about homosexual practice but they are committed to open, genuine and grace filled dialogue with those Christians who have reached a different theological conclusion.

The homosexuality debate is one that is tearing the church in two at the moment, and Bridging the Gap provide one voice that is attempting to bring back unity, without compromising their own convictions. This is a difficult and messy task which often leaves them in a kind of limbo land where they are criticised from every side by those who can only cope with reductionist, black & white views.

I passionately applaud their work and feel that their attitude could be transposed to so many other issues in the church today too. Do consider joining me in engaging with their dialogue which is often challenging and humbling. They’ve helped me re-think some of my own attitudes in a way that I think has been very healthy, both for me and for those I interact with.

Check them out here.

A Couple of funny links…

An Hilarious Video

God Texts the Decalogue

The Shack

Recently I posted the following apparently innocuous statement as my facebook status: “OddBabble wants to talk about The Shack.” The following documents the surprising response:

Susanna Adlem at 18:20 on 27 March
I didn’t love it, still reading it though.

Kevin Hargaden at 20:03 on 27 March
I’m in London in a few weeks. Fancy a chat then?

Louiz Kirkebjerg Nielsen at 20:43 on 27 March
I love it love it. Talk to me about it when you have time. x Louiz

Tanya Marlow at 21:49 on 27 March
i half loved it

Rachel Anne Burns at 00:46 on 28 March
haven’t read it, though initially wanted to. This and other reviews pretty much some it up for me and I’m happy to leave it alone, wondering why so many Christians pursue a desire to read what is heresy when the bible gives a much more complete picture of who God is and of the nature of and answer to suffering.http://theologynetwork.org/christian-beliefs/the-holy-spirit-and-christian-living/starting-out/the-shack–good-news-or-bad-story.htm

Rosalie Lewis Garwood at 02:02 on 28 March
It’s a shame that you haven’t read this yourself, Rachel. Why would you form an opinion on something you don’t know anything about. What about those who mock the Bible and say it isn’t God’s Word? Do you go along with that too? I have two copies of this book oh my desk and am in the process of reading it. Here is another website you can check out. Maybe it will give you a more balanced view of it.http://godmessedmeup.blogspot.com/2008/01/shack-book-review.html

Rachel Anne Burns at 08:55 on 28 March
I’ve read the review, but I found nothing in it that would cause me to change my opinion. Should I read pornography in order to form a balanced opinion on it if it’s something I know nothing about?

Kevin Hargaden at 09:47 on 28 March
So the Shack is like porn? This is a new kind of argument right here. Your ideas intrigue me Rachel. Can I subscribe to your newsletter?

Badger Burns at 22:24 on 29 March
lol Kev, there was a link pasted of a fair review but did you visit it?The point merely is why put your head under a steam roller just to see what happens

Badger Burns at 22:34 on 29 March
and taking my own medicine now :pI have just read the site suggested by Rosalie. The title of the blogspot kinda put me off kilter immediately. My growing frustration about the book is that whenever any criticism is levelled at it the counter argument that is offered is that it is a work of fiction.My huge criticism of the author and /or publishers is that they are saying that the book is being used massively by God.I dont understand why God would endorse a book saying that Jesus does not want people to become Christians and that we limit God to the pages of the Bible.A book that He Himself chose to ‘limit’ himself by in describing himself.

My response to all of this is as follows:

I am someone who holds the Bible in the very highest regard: I consider it to be the words breathed of the God who made the universe. I consider it to be infallible. I consider it to be the only and true epistemological, ontological, philosophical, theological, stuffofeverydaylifeological authority.

Yet I see no contradiction between holding this view and believing that as His created creatures create and interact, God provides echoes, glimpses, shadows, pictures, parables and whispers that point to Himself and His character. In this way I can glimpse God in lots of places which are not the Bible.

For example, I was reading about how ants (the most amazing creatures on earth) exist as a superorganism. They interact like one huge insect whose different limbs perform different roles, each for the benefit, growth and nurturing of that wider body. What a helpful analogy for the way Christ longs for the church to function, I thought to myself.

Or there is the Ani DiFranco song which has the line: “What kind of paradise am I looking for? I’ve got everything I want, but still I want more.” Wow, that really reminds me of how much I strive and drive myself in all kinds of ways, but never find myself satisfied by it. She’s got it right that I’m looking for a paradise, except that it really exists in heaven, I thought to myself.

Or there is the Victor Hugo novel Les Miserables, and the musical of the same name, in which Jean Valjean, having stolen the silverware of the benevolent bishop who had offered him shelter when no-one else would, finds himself rescued by that same bishop when JV is caught, by claiming to the cops that the silverware was a gift, offering his two silver candlesticks as well, chastising him to the police for leaving in such a rush that he forgot these most valuable pieces. What a clear and creative picture of God’s grace in not giving us the punishment we deserve, and heaping blessings on us instead, I thought to myself.

Or there’s the work of fiction, The Shack, which is a made up story, but which explicitly seeks to think creatively about God and offers a view of Him, a shadow, a human thought, about something against the backdrop of the final authority of the Bible.

Sure, there are things that William P. Young (is this just actually Will Young having a laugh at us all?) says that I don’t agree with and that I don’t think are particularly biblical. So, I ignore those things and read on, remembering that The Shack is not the Bible – the Bible is. I’m happy to disagree with one or two lines of a work of fiction.

I should perhaps come clean here and admit that I have a soppy subjective reason for liking The Shack. There’s a scene in it where the protagonist spills out his rage towards God about the suffering he has experienced, screaming passionate, bitter and tear-drenched words to a God who responds, not with wrath or retaliation, but by inviting him in to eat a specially cooked dinner.

There may have been a clue [a few posts ago] that I had one or two issues with God that I was pretty hung up about myself. This little passage in this novel reminded me that God knows those angry thoughts already, that good relationships mean communication, not sulking, and that God is gracious, kind, patient, generous, merciful, gentle and compassionate.

This led to a dramatic and renewed intimacy with God that any friend has when they finally admit what’s on their mind, make up, & get back to the business of enjoying the relationship. If it’s not God who brought that reconciliation about with His daughter, I don’t know who did. God can use flawed books that get things wrong, just as he uses flawed people, like me, who get things wrong.

I could easily have spotted any of those things in the Bible, but that same holy book tells me that Jesus calls his followers [sheep]. That’s to help us remember that we’re often stupid, slow, myopic and in need of a shepherd. Sometimes this sheep needs a bit of outside help to point me back to the Word that is true and reliable. Sometimes God uses flawed, imperfect means to point us back to His perfect Self.

It strikes me as a shame, a real shame, if we close our eyes to the many and wonderful ways that God shows himself through all kinds of creative endeavours, simply because the person creating it sometimes (always, in some way) gets bits of it wrong. We are throwing the God-glimpse baby out with the wider cultural bath water.

Yes, I do get the fact that Young seems to be setting the book up as some kind of new Christian manifesto, and that this means we might handle it differently to a secular song or book about ants. But I still don’t feel it’s necessary to go to the extreme of saying that by reading it I am expressing a desire to water down the Bible as my ultimate authority. If we are thinking Christians, surely we can read, listen, view anything through the lens of Scripture, discard the parts that contradict it, and rejoice in the creaturely things that help point us back to our, and their, Creator.

I doubt this post will have changed anyone’s minds on this, but the joy of a blog is that I get to rant uninterrupted for a while and bask in the warmth of my own opinion before the comments begin to pile up…

Counselling: Spiritually Irresponsible?

Another post with a link to another blog post .

I would like to continue the discussion there, but I think the comments section of a post that is now a few posts old might mean fewer readers.

In response to the last comment by Clairebo , I think I need to clarify the question I am asking. I am not saying that everyone needs to have ‘Evangelist’ as their full job title – of course I am recognising that there are many necessary and noble roles in a society (and a Kingdom). It’s also true that most of those still leave room for evangelism among colleagues etc. so a surgeon is not muted from verbal proclaimation of the gospel.

I suppose I am thinking more precisely about the fact that as a counsellor, those verbal opportunities are not there – in fact to take an opportunity in that way would have me listed in the back pages of the BACP journal for professional misconduct. Counselling is also often an isolated role, particularly in private practice where I may not have any other colleagues with whom to verbally proclaim. It’s this aspect of the work that I am wrestling with, rather than the nature of the role itself.

If that makes any sense at all, I’d appreciate others’ thoughts…

The Importance of Stories

Read this (if you like)

This is a link to a post on a blog I discovered recently that seeks to bridge the gap (hence the name) between Christians and gay people, and also does a very good job at showing grace to the spectrum of gay christians, christians with a view on gay people and gay people with a view on christians. It sums up the point I have reached recently on not just this issue, but many others.

I like the fact that it acknowledges that we don’t all have to agree with each other, but that we should listen to one another if we claim to love people. It’s been a journey for me to get to this point and I’m still on that journey, having started from a postion of being quite defensively scared to hear different views. I hope I’m learning, like the writer of this post, to show more grace to those whose views are different to mine.

I think it’s a viewpoint that would serve a lot of us well to keep in mind whoever we are, and whatever issue we are thinking through. It’s a messy and not clear-cut route, but it seems to me that’s what life is like anyway, so we might as well live in the reality of that.

Just For Today…

I am in the middle of Massive Faith Crisis #234534. It’s one of the deeper, more long lasting ones of its kind. It has been triggered off partly by some current painful events, partly by the same old unresolved things which crouch and wait to bite me on the arse again purely to compound new things, and partly by the inexplicable crap I observe in the lives of people I love.

It is largely fuelled along by that 3 letter word which is ubiquitous inside the walls of my skull, and behaves a bit like an itch deep inside the unreacheable depths of a plaster cast, which no ruler or other long slim tool can ever seem to reach: Why.

Last night I read this in an otherwise toecurlingly annoying book which I am too embarrassed to admit the title of. It is noteworthy that the following is a quotation from someone else:
“If you belive God is obligated to explain Himself to us, you ought to examine the Scripture…[It] tells us we lack the capacity to grasp God’s infinite mind or the way He intervenes in our lives. How arrogant of us to think otherwise! Trying to anyalyze His omnipotence is like an amoeba attempting to comprehend the behaviour* of man.”
To illustrate his point he directs us to Sciptures such as these:
“It is the glory of God to conceal a matter.”
“The secret things belong to the LORD our God.”
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understnad the work of God, the Maker of all things.”
“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’”
…What this means…is that many of our questions – especially those that begin wht the word why – will have to remain unanswered for the time being.”

I find this utterly unsatisfactory. I hate not getting what I want, especially when what I want is answers. So in the shower this morning I said Angry Ranting Prayer #1089610596810652, expressing this.

If I was a charismatic Christian I would say: And God answered by saying ‘Just for today, trust Me’.
If I was not a charismatic Christian** I would say: And after I had finished praying I rememberd the film I had watched last night, “Things We Lost in the Fire”. It was quite an unremarkable film, but it featured Narcotics Anonnymous meetings. One of the things that members of NA, AA or GA famously say is “Just for today: I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.” followed by lots of other ‘Just for todays’.

I have no idea what it’s like to be driven by the physical desire for a chemical fix, but I do know that part of what makes these times so torturous for me, is the constant pressing and fingering in my head of the whys and whatifs. I feel as if I’ll never get any peace unless I get a resolution for them. In the past I have always felt I have found answers and was surrounded by people who had enough certainty to keep me going. Now that this is no longer true, that lack of resolution threatens to drive me in directions I never thought I would or could go, just to get some peace. The guy in the film said he had a recurring dream of having a bag of junk in one hand and money for his next fix in the other, which gave him a feeling of perfect peace. But he was saying this at the NA meeting, because he had chosen not to go down that route, but instead, ‘Just for today…’

So just for today, instead of choosing my own kind of bag of junk, I will say that Jesus is real, Jesus is Lord, and Jesus is right.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:67-69.

*American spellings corrected.
**Come on, you don’t expect me to know what kind of Christian I am at this point do you?